Homesick

Ini pun kurindu tapi apatah yg boleh kubuat

I don’t have a single good memory with departure gates. Metaphorically, it rips my heart into two. I wish it could physically because metaphors play in loops. I step onto that plane because with obedience comes honor.

Most nights, I sleep wishing I don’t wake up. When I do, every hour is a battle with the demons of solitude. It’s been 2 years.

But you walk close with God, depression contradicts hope & joy. Maybe the reason ‘depression’ is just a feeling without a stronghold is because there is certainty in a God of hope. Is this place and purpose God ordained? Is this a disruption of harvest because of past mistakes?

I guess one would call this a mid-20’s crisis because my emotions & rationality are experiencing quite a bit of cognitive dissonance.

Undeserved & Unearned Love

“I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever, I will declare that Your love stands firm forever” Isaiah 89:1,2

Loving God with ALL OF MY HEART means so much to me. It’s not just a scripture or a song anymore. My entire existent of loving God wholeheartedly was just believing in His goodness and centring Christ all we do.
The song sings, “Oh the overwhelming reckless love of God” means so much more than the words we sing. It’s an experience and an encounter, it’s the rawness of emotions that emerges from the depths of our spirit. It is a conviction and it is overwhelming because its a love that we aren’t capable of giving. It is love with absolutely NO CONDITION. It is His grace that we have not earned or deserve as it was GIVEN.
God loves us in just this way – goes after us at our worst, keeps after us until he gets us, and makes lovers of men and women who know nothing of real love.

I offer myself to you, Lord. Here I am. I wanna worship you so much more. I wanna be so close to You. You’re so so good. You’re so so wonderful. You are my source of comfort, joy and strength. My heart is open wide. Use me for Your glory.
Here I am.

Dear future husband,

In times of waiting, I know that God is working on my singleness. It is the most important stage of my life because it lays the foundation of our marriage and this is the season that is preparing me for you.
Love Him | Love me | Love you.

“I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.”
Ecclesiastes 3:12

Dad recently told me that it’s time for me to move into the next stage of life. Ever since I was old enough to understand the concept of family, it has been my life goal to make myself one. I made a lot of mistakes in my last relationship and it scares me now more than ever to let myself into a new relationship. I know that I am not easy but I am growing more and more in the likeness of Christ each day. Though my journey wasn’t pleasant, I have been redeemed by His grace, over and over. He has closed many doors that I wanted to walk through and I am thankful that I learnt not to keep knocking on them. If it wasn’t for Him, I wouldn’t be sitting here typing you this letter. Our God has been so good to me, so faithful and so gentle. I still get so overwhelmed, thinking of how high He’s held me when I hit rock bottom.

He is so good. Really. It was in solitude that I learned to quiet my spirit so that God & I can…talk. 2018 has been a year of renewal for me. You know, I am so so contented in God alone. He’s constantly on my mind. I find myself constantly thinking about Him and talking to Him in my head when I’m idle. It has been so amazing telling Him everything, especially about you! Oh I’m sure that He is prepping you for many wonderful things because He hears my cry. I am quite certain that I will be able to always put Him ahead of you now. While waiting for God to bring us to each other, I am working towards being a Proverbs 31 woman, towards my purpose. I want God to make me the wife of your prayers. Gosh, I’m gonna love you so stinking much! Meanwhile, I have guarded my heart so that I can keep focus on what our Father wants me to do. He’s been so amazing, patient and kind with me. I am looking forward to the day where we can share His blessings with each other.

“Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.”
Proverbs 4:23